December 1, 2007

A Daft Anglican Covenant

Saturday Satire

Bishops can go anywhere they wish and do anything they damn well please. No one need take notice of any bishop under any circumstances, no matter where they are or what they do. Like God, they shall aspire to be incomprehensible and invisible. 1

For the purposes of this Covenant, all Provinces shall remain in “Communion” with one another; which shall mean being best friends forever, or until someone says or does something someone else doesn’t approve of.

The four instruments of communion shall be: Castanets 2, English Horn 3, Autoharp 4, and Thumb Piano 5.

Notes

1. Which should please everyone no end; or world without or with end, whichever comes first.

2. In Galilee.

3. The English have a tendency to horn in on everything. This is the concept of primus inter pares, or “The Primate has gone all pear-shaped.”

4. The Autoharp is a favored instrument of reasserters and reappriasers (or re-anythings, really): it will automatically keep harping on the same thing over and over without any additional input.

5. This is the most decisive instrument: The thumbs can be up, the thumbs can be down.

Tobias Haller BSG


18 comments:

Grandmère Mimi said...

Tobias, give me a break. I almost choked. Remember, I'm an old lady.

I am now reappraising whether you will continue to be my BFF.

bls said...

And that sums it all up nicely, thanks.

KJ said...

While gladdened to see the inclusion of the definitive double-reed instrument, the English horn, we are dismayed with the omission of the pipe organ (mechanical action, of course). Without this necessary element, those who seek instrumental orthodoxy as once delivered, will be forced to walk apart.

Tim said...

KJ: they can just walk over the pedal-board with the 64' stop out. It'd be a more pleasant noise than I've heard of late :)

SUSAN RUSSELL said...

Bravo! Makes more sense to me than anything else I've seen on the topic.

When can we vote?

PseudoPiskie said...

Tobias, MadPriest and Clumber certainly are into the spirit of Advent. Lots to repent. That's why we love them.

johnieb said...

Veddy nice, Br. Tobias, you say? I said that at Susan Russell's blog, where I found what you'd been up to.

John-Julian,OJN said...

Finally, the most sensible words anyone has uttered on the subject!

I think you should put them in the form of a resolution and get GC to pass it!

Sister Mary Hasta said...

What about the kazoo?

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Sister Mary Hasta,
The kazoo is not an orthodox or any other dox instrument...It is merely an interruption of the vox humana...the only real instrument! The playing of the kazoo makes it impossible for the vox humana to state any opinions ....wait, wait, maybe the Kazoo should be the only instrument of unity.

Tobias Haller said...

The Supreme Commission debated for many hours whether the kazoo should indeed be considered a fifth instrument of unity, as it is the only instrument requiring virtually no skill in order to toot one's own horn.

However, it was eventually decided not to include the kazoo, in spite of the fact that in the cathedral to be dedicated for the new center of Anglicanism Where Ever That Might Be Apart From Canterbury, there is to be installed a 32-foot Kazoo en Chamade.

susan s. said...

Please pay no attention to _this_ comment. This is only a test. That was me in the anonymous post. I must have highlighted the wrong button. I will now see if it works.

I do love the idea of a 32 foot Kazoo. However, because of the technicalities involved in playing it, unless a basso profundo is humming into it, it will still sound like the buzzing of several bees.

Tobias Haller said...

Thank you, Susan. You are quite correct about the Kazoo en Chamade. Even with the hearty lungs and hot-air capacity of some of our Primates, the stop is likely to be a disappointment. Like most things "en chamade" they tend to look better than they sound...

John Bassett said...

"...there is to be installed a 32-foot Kazoo en Chamade."

I think not! Natural law teaches us that organ pipes should be vertical. Horizontal pipes represent a perversion of the natural order. And does not Holy Writ itself prohibit the mixing of different types of pipes within the same organ? And did not the missionaries who carried the Gospel to the farthest reaches of the British Empire carry with them 8 foot diapasons? And notice how those Catholics in France and Spain are the ones who like reeds anyhow.

The new center of Anglican orthodoxy will only have orthodox pipes as the instruments of union.

Mark said...

You forgot the bagpipe as instrument for Nigeria - one chanter, playing over many drones.

KJ said...

We are saddened to see the continued omission of the pipe organ, mechanical action, from the instruments of communion, while encouraged by the inspiration of discernment with which John Bassett has been blessed.

However, it is with some concern we consider his prohibition of vertical pipes, restricting the inclusion of vertical trumpet pipes necessary for the development of a truly comprehensive instrument.

Paul (A.) said...

Horizontal red pipes should be allowed if they are in an aimable en chamade, preferably under up to 50" w.p. in a large building.

The organist will need an assistant to spot errant members of the congregation and to aim the pipes.

susan s. said...

Yes, KJ, tracker organs are the best and should be the true orthodox instrument of unity. And John Bassett says that _horizontal_ pipes are a perversion and will be banned from orthodox organs! So you, he, and I, at least, are in complete agreement about that.

Shall we schism? :-)